Why Do We Love to Hate?

Do you ever find yourself getting attacked on social media? Do you get triggered when you read comments or watch the news? This is a common problem among people in modern society, but it’s something that can be avoided.

When people come across others sharing their viewpoints, they have three potential responses. They can either agree, disagree, and remain neutral. Agreeing with others reaffirms our opinions while remaining neutral allows us to avoid situations all together. Problems generally arise when we disagree with the opinions of others. But why do people get heated when they disagree?

People become heated when they feel that something is affecting them personally. This results in fear and their fight-or-flight response to kick in. While you might not think that your opinion is having this impact on someone, you don’t know their individual situation. 

There are four potential reasons why someone might feel threatened by your opposing opinion.

1. FEAR

The first and most basic way that an opposing viewpoint might affect someone is fear. People are afraid of change. Oftentimes, this is the fear of becoming excluded from the majority. Fear breeds anger, which they turn on the person that is opposing their viewpoint.

2. LACK OF OWNERSHIP

The person attacking those disagreeing with them might do so to avoid taking blame for the way they’re feeling. It’s much easier for them to blame the other person, concluding that they’re wrong.

3. LOW SELF-ESTEEM

Everyone has an inner child and some might be scared because their inner child is not fully healed. In all likelihood, this person is suffering from something emotionally painful presently or in their past. When someone disagrees with them, they feel as though their livelihood is at stake.

4. NEED TO BELONG

Humans have a basic need to belong. Some feel that opposing opinions could result in their dismissal from the larger group. This fear causes them to lash out at those disagreeing with their viewpoint.

The most common fear for humans is losing a need. In 1943, psychologist Abraham Maslow wrote a paper entitled “A Theory of Human Motivation.” In it, Maslow described Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. This is a triangular set of needs that humans require in order to live and thrive.

The base of the triangle, which everything else rests on, are humanity’s most basic needs. These include food, shelter, and money. If someone lacks these basic needs, they might feel as though they’re not good enough, creating fear and anger.

The second level of the triangle is safety. Are you safe within your environment? While this includes your home, it also includes those you find yourself around. Feeling unsafe results in fear in the need for self-protection.

The final part of the triangle is the basic need of feeling loved. Humans have a basic need to belong, feel significant, and feel needed. Some feel that the act of disagreement is akin to a lack of belonging or significance, and therefore love. To them, agreement is reassurance that they’re needed and significant to others.

If those that are attacking us need to feel significant, how can we create that feeling? The answer is to be empathetic. But how can you be empathetic toward others?

Psychologists Dr. Daniel Goleman and Dr. Paul Ekman have broken down empathy into three different types.

1. COGNITIVE EMPATHY

The cognitive part of empathy is looking at the other person’s viewpoint. There’s a reason why they think differently than you. Rather than simply arguing with them, hoping that they’ll eventually side with you, step into their shoes. If you can understand why they think the way they do, it will help you empathize with their viewpoint.

2. EMOTIONAL EMPATHY

The general sense of empathy is feeling someone else’s emotions. This is an important part of becoming empathetic towards others. If someone is angry with you, attempt to understand how they feel when they’re angry. This is likely similar to how you feel when you’re angry and it could help you understand why they might act irrationally.

3. COMPASSIONATE EMPATHY

Compassion is simply love seeing pain. You can be compassionate by having a level of understanding, commonality, and acceptance. While you might feel as though the other person is wrong in being aggressive, understand that they’re working through issues that might be difficult. Also understand that we’re all human beings, doing the best we can with our resources.

The best way to avoid being attacked or feeling as though you must attack those that oppose your viewpoint is to have a healthy conversation. This is commonly known as debating. A debate is simply two people that are listening to the other person’s viewpoint. But how can we have a healthy debate without resulting in attacks?

There are four ways that you can have better conversation, or debate.

1. JOIN NEW GROUPS OR CIRCLES

People tend to surround themselves with those that are like-minded. Joining groups or circles that think differently will help you understand other viewpoints and struggles.

2. ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND OTHERS

Before responding to someone that thinks differently than you, imagine how they’re thinking or feeling. Remember that the three keys to this are acceptance, commonality, and compassion.

3. ASK BETTER QUESTIONS

Asking better questions of yourself will help you see how others view you. Why do I think like that? Why do I have this viewpoint? Answering these questions will help you understand your own opinions better. Also ask these questions about others. This will help you better understand why they think the way they do.

4. LISTEN MORE

Stephen Covey, writer of the best-selling book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” coined the phrase, “We have two ears and one mouth.” This means that while most people talk more than they listen, it should be the other way around. Rather than talking over another person, listen to why they have their viewpoint.

Knowing how to avoid confrontation and better communicate will allow you to expel negativity from your life. If you’re looking to eliminate negativity, book a free consultation through my website. You can also watch my weekly YouTube show, The Well-Balanced Mind, where I’ll provide insights into understanding your mind and behavior.

Do you find that you have cooped up anger or sadness or need help with releasing negative emotions? Hypnotherapy might be a good fit for you. To schedule a consultation call, click here.